Bucket List

I think we all have a bucket list even if we call it by another name. I was able to strike through one of the entries on my bucket list: I called cadence for 11 Marines that I had the utmost privilege to run with this past weekend.

 We had our inaugural 5k run and 1 mile walk on 9/11, Heroes Run to Remember. Eleven Marines from Truck Company based in Erie, PA, traveled to Painesville not only to remember the lives lost on 9/11 but to honor Ace and keep his spirit burning bright. These Marines did not serve with Andy; they never spoke to him or deployed with him. They came out of respect and loyalty to the Marine from Truck Company who gave his life for his brothers and his country.

These Marines ran at my back and would not pass me, despite the fact I slowed them down. They stayed at my shoulder, counting cadence and calling out Ace's name. They not only inspired me they touched everyone who heard their voices and the rhythm of their feet. These Marines ran out of respect for the fallen and for their country while ironically, almost simultaneously, overpaid, privileged athletes chose to sit "in protest" on 9/11 during our National Anthem. Andy fought and these Marines still fight to ensure that these NFL players can protest, no matter how inappropriate the timing or the nature of their message.
For those of you who know me, you also know that I believe, no I KNOW,  that Andy is with me whenever I need him. With that being said, there was a point during the 9/11 ceremony that preceded the run where Ace announced his presence in an extraordinary way: right after the pause to commemorate the moment the second plane flew into the Towers, a bald eagle flew over Veterans Park where the event took place. Is there anyone who doubted that Ace provided that flyover? Certainly not Ace's Mom!
Semper Fi,
Ace's Mom

"There is nothing to be unhappy about" ~ Ace Nowacki

Ace's Mom: Heart Threads

Ace's Mom: Heart Threads: May, the month of memorials: Police Memorial Week followed by Memorial Day. It is a time of feelings; fierce pride, overwhelming sadness,  ...

Heart Threads

May, the month of memorials: Police Memorial Week followed by Memorial Day. It is a time of feelings; fierce pride, overwhelming sadness,  unexpected camaraderie and  lots of love. We see people that we only talk to once a year yet we find that we are connected, connected with threads sewn through our hearts. The thread is made up of our common grief from a staggering loss.

When we are apart, the threads are still there keeping us loosely connected. When we  meet at our memorials, those threads are pulled tight, uniting us in the common pain of heart wrenching loss.

We are stronger for sharing and being together.

Today I ran a 5k in memory of a Marine that lost his life in a motorcycle accident. I usually run to music but in my haste to get out the door, I forgot my headphones so I went "old school" and ran without electronics. I spent my time running talking to Ace, thanking him for all that he has given me; my new found friendships, people that are now in my heart, helping to fill that gap.

I also talked to Josh Harmon, an Army Corporal who lost his life in the middle east. Josh's dad, Rich, is one of those people that is connected by our heart thread. We lost our sons but did gain a wonderful friendship and love, created and nurtured by our sons.

Today the heart threads are tugged tight, helping all of us who have experienced this loss to pull together for strength. Memorial Day is a day to unite and remember. We can also remember with smiles and Josh and Andy would not want it any other way.

God Bless America and Semper Fi.

Ace's Mom~ "There is nothing to be unhappy about"~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Mother's Day

Mother's Day, a day full of love. We celebrate our Moms and all that they have done for us through the years as we remember our childhood as well as our own motherhood. I am blessed to still have my Mom here with us, still feisty and still looking at life from her unique perspective.

I think about my own childhood and what a magical time it was to grow up in the "pre-electronic" era. I am not going to get all preachy about how much better it was to be a kid in that simpler time as this is more about decades of memory, not just a few years in my life.

I think all of us have mementos that we made for our Moms and were made by our own kids in school; cards, pictures, poems and it they went to parochial school, statues of Blessed Mary.

Andy and his brothers usually made cards but I still have a special "coupon book" that Andy made when he was in first grade. The coupons were to be redeemed for various household chores, hugs and kisses. I never tore out any of the coupons to redeem them although I was tempted when Ace was in high school. No expiration date!

I am glad that I still have that coupon book. I look at it often and  even though it brings a smile to my face, it also brings tears to my eyes, especially on Mother's Day.

I am blessed to have three wonderful and loving sons.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms who read this and enjoy the celebrations of jobs well done in raising your children!

Ace's Mom ~ "There is nothing to be unhappy about" ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

The Rolex

It's been an emotional week, for sure, and it all started with a trip to the attic. As some of you know, it took me almost a decade to clean out the closet that had some of Andy's clothes and things stored in it so it would come as no surprise that I have not looked in the bin that had "Ace" and a smiley face written in Sharpie along with the dire warning "DO NOT SIT" that had been stored in the attic.

This bin contained Ace's stuff from Iraq. There is a collection of Simpson bobble head figurines that look like they came in a McDonald's happy meal, pictures, Iraqi money and other items that I have not pulled out yet but the eye catching items were the watches.

There is a Marine Corps watch, an expedition watch along with two"Rolex" watches, a man's and a woman's.

If you knew Ace, you know he was a wheeler dealer so the watches could have been part of his bartering. Remember, this is the same guy who traded toothbrushes and Gatorade for chickens so he could have some eggs. Knowing his penchant for a deal, I called Pete, Ace's brother who also deployed to Iraq twice, to see if he might know about the watches. Pete immediately launched into a perfect imitation of an Iraqi man hawking knock off watches to a soldier!

Did I mention that after 11 years in a bin, the watch runs? When I wear it, all I have to do is look at my wrist and that watch brings a smile to my face as I hear Pete's voice and picture Ace.

The other event this week was the completion of a film documentary that began last summer. Two wonderful guys who own a media company, wanted to do a "passion" project about Cleveland and possibly the Cuyahoga River. They were introduced to me as I am one of the old timers that has been rowing on the river for over 20 years.They decided that they wanted to film me rowing , possibly use some parts with me talking about Ace and how rowing keeps me centered. Well, after we talked about Andy, and they saw the videos along with the footage he shot, it became more of a project about Ace and less about the river. I was not surprised. Andy captures the attention of most people that he is introduced to! Last week, we filmed the last sequences which had me reading Andy's letters from the first deployment. I had forgotten how well he was able to capture events along with colorful descriptions of people;Marines, Iraqis, Italians, everyone he met. The letters are funny and at the same time they are also heart- wrenching. Reading them is a lot like having Ace sitting next to me on the couch, relating the stories in person. Oh,what I would not give for that to happen just one more time; a live conversation with Andy.

For now, I will be as content as I can be, re-reading letters and perhaps tackling another box in the attic one day soon. Who knows what other treasures are hidden there?

Ace's Mom

"There is nothing to be unhappy about."~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Ace's Mom: Who Knew?

Ace's Mom: Who Knew?: There are times in life that you want to change your mind but you can't. One of those times for me was when I went into labor. I really...

Who Knew?

There are times in life that you want to change your mind but you can't. One of those times for me was when I went into labor. I really wanted someone else to take over for a while or just finish up. The reality hit that this was all on me, it was not like changing your mind to run a marathon.

It really is the unexpected things that zing your heart and emotion is released like looking for a coat in the closet and seeing Andy's dress blues hanging in plastic or his 80's pants. That's the stuff you don't plan for, the stuff that reduces you to a blubbering fool in the corner wanting to shut out the world.

You would think that after eleven years, that kind of emotion would not hit as hard and fast but it does.I no longer look for the magic threshold that when you step over it, the feelings of loss become less painfully intense. I am pretty sure it does not exist.

Yesterday, a day when the past month (Ace's KIA date, Ace's birthday, my Mom's illness, preparing for the gala fund raiser) all caught up to me and curling up in dark corner to escape seemed the best option, a wonderful gift came my way that made the world a little brighter, and it happened at the mall of all places!

I will explain that for the past 6 or 7 years, Denis and I have gone to the Mentor Mall to walk  if the weather is inclement, which we all know is Cleveland at least half the time. We park at Macy's lower level  and we walk past the home department. Almost every day, there is a cheerful, friendly sales clerk in a wheelchair who says hello and asks how we are.  We wave, say hello and keep walking.

Yesterday, my shopping quest took me to the home department in Macy's and this same sales clerk rang up my purchases.

There were no other customers so we took a few minutes to chat. I learned that her name is Alexis and she asked where Denis was. I explained that he had something else to do and I was taking advantage of just being able to wander by myself, looking and touching the spring clothes. Alexis then said something very surprising to me; she told me that Denis and I were an inspiration to her! She knew we were Ace's parents, I am not sure how, and proceeded to tell me that if we were able to persist in putting one foot in front of the other after the devastating loss of our son, she could certainly do the same. At the time we started to walk in the mall, she was the primary care giver for her husband who was ill and she was struggling. He has since passed away. Did we have any idea that we were helping someone just by saying hello and smiling? Nope!

I left that store counting my blessings, thankful that I have so many supportive, loving people in my life. Who knew that a sales clerk in a wheelchair would be the one to pull me out of the dark corner and bring me back into the light, ready to face whatever was coming my way?

Who knew?

Ace's Mom
"There's nothing to be unhappy about"~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Startling Sighting

Eleven years later and some things never change. It goes without saying that missing Andy is a normal undercurrent of daily life now. It is the norm, a dull ache that is ever present. What is not expected is turning on the news and seeing Ace! Let me explain:

With all the news about snow and canceled flights that have impacted the entire country, there have been many a reporter standing in an airport, pointing out the obvious: many travelers are stranded. In one such newscast, and I cannot even say which station or city, the camera pans the airport while the reporter talks about the snowy Armageddon that is beginning in the east. At that point I look up and standing in profile, is a military man. He is dressed in fatigues, sporting a large military backpack. The soldier has light colored hair and from a distance, he appeared to be Andy or his twin. He was only on the screen for five seconds or so, but in that time my heart picked up speed as I saw Ace before me! I had hoped that the camera would pan back but it never did. 

This incident reminded me of a dream that I had many years ago. In this dream, Ace was standing in the kitchen, next to the french doors. He was wearing fatigues that had not been washed and his face was dirty. I was so astounded to see him that I was almost speechless. I told him that we were led to believe that he had died in Iraq. Ace said that "they" had lied to us! He was quite angry about it. He told me that he had been on a secret operation for several years which was why he had not been in touch.  Anyone who knows Ace can appreciate that he was the least likely person to do anything secretive as he loved to talk to any and all people he met and then keep their contact information so that he could stay in touch! Needless to say, as lifelike as that dream was, I woke up to no Ace beside me in the kitchen.

Call me crazy, but I believe that these "Ace sightings" are Andy's way of letting me know that he is still with me, despite our inability to physically connect. 

No matter who we lose, there always seems to be this minuscule kernel of hope that our loved one is really still here on earth and that this death thing is all a sham. Defense mechanism? Our internal coping technique to deal with devastating loss?

Perhaps, but I will swear that the soldier on TV turned, smiled and gave me the "rock on" sign.

"There is nothing to be unhappy about" ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Rock On,
Ace's Mom