Eight Years

As the date, February 26th, approaches,time seems to slow down for me. Pictures of Andy are freeze-framed in my brain. For the first time in eight years I actively think of, and use the word death and Andy at that same time. For me, linking Ace, my wonderful son, so full of life, with death was a paradox, impossible.

Coming to terms with Ace's physical presence being gone is still not a completed process for me; I have his name in my phone, his email address on my computer. When I am in need of reassurance, I look at his name and it is like touching a fuzzy blanket. The same for his 80's clothes and uniforms still in the "guest" bedroom. I can open the closet and see the polyester pants or his Grand River Police uniform and there he is, standing in front of me telling me a hilarious story!Those are moments of joy tempered with the pain of knowing that the voice and laughter are in my head.

People are right when they say  that grief eases with time.  The painful bursts of grief become less frequent and intense; the memories bring smiles more often than tears now. But as the anniversary of his casualty date approaches, the memories become more vivid and stories that I have forgotten bubble to the surface. I was remembering his time as a police officer and the story he told me when he came home after working the night shift. Ace was driving along in his patrol car when he saw two women stumbling along the sidewalk, very apparently inebriated. Ace pulled over, got out of the car and asked the ladies if he could be of assistance. They told him that they knew that they should not drive so decided to walk home. Ace asked where home was. They responded, "Grafton". For those of you unfamiliar with our area, Grand River to Grafton is a about sixty miles away! Andy asked the ladies to get in the back seat of the cruiser and they headed back to the bar from whence they came. You see, being Ace, he did not want to lock them up for the night and he could not let them walk around in their drunken state so he had a plan. He went into the bar and asked for volunteers to drive the women home. One by one, the potential chauffeurs were administered a breathalizer by Ace until he found someone who was capable and sober!

I welcome the memories, the stories Andy told. I invite the memories in.I look at pictures of Ace and they all make me happy. It is the unsuspecting flashes of Ace that can still cause the painful stabbing of grief. I will forget and see Ace as a car passes with a young driver with shiny sunglasses or the back of a  police officer walking with a certain swagger. I suspect that this search  will never go away as there is always going to be this small part of me that believes my son is still coming home.

I look forward to seeing his Marine and Police brothers next weekend as we all will be remembering Ace mostly with laughter, but there will also be some tears. Ace was an important part of our lives and I am so thankful that so many continue to remember and keep his spirit, his presence alive.

"There is nothing to be unhappy about."~ Ace

Love,
Ace's Mom

Courage

For the first time in my life, I have been alone for over a week as Denis is on his great adventure in the Race Across America. I think that Denis and all involved in this endeavor will come back changed people. I do not think you can witness the grandeur of this country, meet folks that are the backbone of America and witness the courageous determination of cyclists racing 3000 miles without some sort of transformation to your spirit.

I have been thinking of all the courageous people in my life as I avidly await word every day on how Cassie Schumaker, the cyclist who is racing in RAAM, is doing. She overcame illness in the desert within the first 48 hours that almost knocked her out of the competition, but she bounced back. Now, she is performing like the world class athlete that she is, pedaling up the Rockies. Cassie will be at the half way point in less than 500 miles! The reason Cassie is cycling? To raise awareness for veterans in need and to honor the fallen. Andy ‘s name is right on her shoulders. Ace is with her with every revolution of her pedals.

 I think of my husband, Denis who is part of Cassie’s support crew. He has cut himself off from his world as he has no computer, sporadic cell phone contact, and no creature comforts. For all that know my husband; this took a lot of courage. He needed to trust that his friends and family back home would take care of the day to day while he totally focused on keeping Cassie going. Denis is dedicated to helping Cassie realize her dream and keeping Andy’s spirit moving across this great country with her.

I think of my dear friend, John, who, literally, died while in SWAT training from a coronary episode. Not only did John fight back from death, he ran a half marathon last month and is newly engaged to be married. Again, the courage and determination that John possesses is inspiring and Andy would be his biggest cheerleader if he were here.

And, of course, I think of Andy, but I always think of Andy. Every Marine at Marine Week Cleveland made me think of him. Every American flag that waved made me think of him. I ran with the Marines in the Cleveland Police Chase wearing my “Ace” Runners shirt, knowing he was with me every step of the way (even though he really hated PT!). 

  

It has been a time of great triumphs with periods of desolation sprinkled in. I am energized when I think of all the dedicated and brave people in my life and the motivation they provide.  I know that Cassie’s endeavor will inspire many, a few to something great, others to just reach outside their comfort zone. I will continue to get my shots of spiritual strength as I watch Cassie and her crew progress in the Race Across America  with Andy on her back, Denis by her side and  me in her heart. 

 

Ace’s Mom

“There is nothing to be unhappy about!” – Andy “Ace” Nowacki

Police Memorial Weekend

Police Memorial weekend is always a bundle of emotions: pride, exhilaration, and brotherhood, coupled with overwhelming sadness. The kaleidoscope of feelings is welcome but at the same time, exhausting.In spite of all that, it is something that we choose to embrace. One minute we are smiling, the next crying as we think of Andy and his love for being a cop and Police Memorial weekend. The LCpl Andy Nowacki Veteran of the Year Memorial Award was given away last night to Col. James Riley, a well deserving recipient.

It is really amazing to me that after seven years, it is still akin to a giant hand squeezing my heart when I hear the words spoken, "killed in action". It is so final, no promise of a future. The words killed, fatally wounded, dead are all words that strip my soul bare, wall off that safe place in my mind that allows me peace, the pretense that all is as it was and Andy will be home any time now.

There are times that I am just too weak to confront the reality of Andy being gone and need to "rest" by going to the safe place for a while, pick up as if it were February 25, 2005, the day before our world changed. I don't need that safe place as much as I used to, but I suspect I will always go there, at times.
After the annual benefit for Andy's scholarship this year, I had a dream so real, it stayed with me for days. Andy was here, in person, smiling, talking about staying strong and reassuring me that he is all right, great! We hugged and though I know that it is impossible to feel warmth and strength in a dream, I swear, I did feel Andy's arms wrapped around me giving me a bear hug! I think Andy knows about that safe place in my mind and helps me when I really need it ;-)'
I appreciate all of the support our friends and family afford as all of you should know that you are all my other "safe haven" and you all help me navigate through the emotional quagmire when I get stuck. Thank you.

Ace's Mom

"There is nothing to be unhappy about" - Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Ace's Birthday

Today is Ace’s birthday. I wonder what life would be like now if Andy were still here to talk to, laugh with, and lean on.

It is days like this that take me back in time, that bring memories of a little boy, freckles, bright blue eyes and a big smile, waiting to give his Mom a giant hug.  The little guy who could look angelic while tormenting his big brothers. The animal loving kid who did not mind that 2 dogs and a cat slept in his bed with him. The police officer that shoveled walks for sick folks. The Marine who wanted to protect his brothers.The thoughts will come, unbidden; Andy at 2, at 7, going to a homecoming dance, off to boot camp….. The memories flood in and, for a time, fill the void that Ace’s death has left in my life. A slide show of Andy at different stages in his life runs through my brain, intensified this day, the day we first met him 32 years ago.

Is it self- indulgent to sit back and just remember? I don’t think so. It seems to be a part of the endless healing process, a way to corral the grief, if only for a short period of time. Today I will read Andy’s emails and his letters home and laugh. I will pretend, if only for a little while, that he is only a phone call away and that he can walk through the door at any minute. It is my little coping mechanism to get me through the difficult hours. It is now hours instead of days, so I know that I have learned to live without Ace being here, physically. There has been a healing of sorts.

I know that Andy will still find a way to help make the gala in his honor for the benefit of the scholarship fund that bears his name, despite the major problem with the invitations being late in getting to folks. He manages to find ways to let me know that he is still here for me, doing his part to watch out for his Mom and give her a virtual giant hug.

Happy Birthday, My Andy, I love you and  miss you.

Xoxo
Mom

Passage of Time

Seven years ago, our lives were changed in an unimaginable way. Two Marines knocked on our door to tell us that our youngest son was killed in combat. It is one of the moments in time that is indelibly imprinted in my mind, a moment that I would give anything to have erased.

The passage of time dulls the sharpness of the grief, but the pain does not go away. There are moments when the loss of Andy is still so overwhelming that tears flow and they cannot be held back. Now and again, we all need the outlet of tears, release the grief.

Fortunately, most of the time, thoughts of Andy are joyful, full of life and love, bringing smiles and outright laughter at unexpected moments, not tears. Who can forget Andy’s “blue steel” look and not giggle? Or envision his police car with a disco ball, smiley faces , skull door locks and a dashboard hula girl and not laugh aloud? How about Andy’s escapades doing yard work when he described the encounter with the lady who named every flower in her garden (Andy accidently trampled “Gladys” and there was hell to pay!)? The best of Ace is to watch his videos, Andy in action, making people laugh!

Yesterday, as we gathered with Andy’s friends, Marines and police brothers, it was heartwarming that we all talked about Andy and TO Andy amidst grins, smiles and happiness. Love for Ace just radiated in that room! Andy left a legacy that many us treasure; the legacy of laughter and love for one another. Is there anything greater than that?

Today is Andy’s casualty date. As the custodian of Ace’s legacy of caring and laughter, I will think of Andy with joy. Tears are not an option. I will celebrate his remarkable life with family and friends as we “Pedal for Heroes” to raise money for vets. Andy will be right there with Team Ace, urging us on to achieve our goal of 262 minutes, one minute for each Ohioan that has died since 9/11 in the Mideast. He really would not want it any other way would he?

 As Andy said, “there is nothing to be unhappy about”. I miss you, Ace.

Ace's Mom

Ace's Mom: Friends

Ace's Mom: Friends: I have had the opportunity to spend time with many of my friends over the last month. Some of these friends I "inherited" from Andy, and I h...

Friends

I have had the opportunity to spend time with many of my friends over the last month. Some of these friends I "inherited" from Andy, and I have come to love them dearly.Some did not "know" Andy but came to us through Andy. It is ironic that in losing Andy, I found so many other people to love.
I was lucky enough to travel to Chicago to run with a Marine, a cop, a Llama Chaser and a  girlfriend in the Chicago Half Marathon and 5k on 9/11. It was an amazing day with great people. We wore red shirts that had the "Wack Attack" logo on the front and the back said, "There is nothing to be unhappy about".

Andy was very good at describing his friends to me. In a letter from his first deployment, he described, with humor, every guy in his unit, their nicknames and how they got them. I also remember the anguish when one of them was shot, point blank, in the head as he was passing out aid packages.
I bring this up for a reason; life is short, too short for us not to appreciate those that have become dear to us and those that may. We cannot let the little things get in the way of reaching out. It does not matter who's turn it is to call, or who makes the next approach. It is insignificant who was able to make the party and who could not. All that really counts is that we continue to touch each other, care about each other and be there if we are needed. We need to put aside the "me" thoughts and think about the other guy.
Andy would call everyone that he had a phone number for just to say hi. He did not care if this person ever called him back as that is not what mattered to him. It was the gesture, the caring that mattered.
Denis, Pete, Nate and I often ask, "What would Andy do?".  It is almost always crystal clear: reach out, care and give all that you can.
Oh, if you need  to know what a Llama Chaser is, I recommend that you go to their web site and read all about them. They celebrate the true meaning of friendship and I love each and every one of them.
http://www.llamachasers.com/
Thanks for reading. I was kind of on a soap box this week.
"There is nothing to be unhappy about" - Ace Nowacki