Police Memorial Weekend

Police Memorial weekend is always a bundle of emotions: pride, exhilaration, and brotherhood, coupled with overwhelming sadness. The kaleidoscope of feelings is welcome but at the same time, exhausting.In spite of all that, it is something that we choose to embrace. One minute we are smiling, the next crying as we think of Andy and his love for being a cop and Police Memorial weekend. The LCpl Andy Nowacki Veteran of the Year Memorial Award was given away last night to Col. James Riley, a well deserving recipient.

It is really amazing to me that after seven years, it is still akin to a giant hand squeezing my heart when I hear the words spoken, "killed in action". It is so final, no promise of a future. The words killed, fatally wounded, dead are all words that strip my soul bare, wall off that safe place in my mind that allows me peace, the pretense that all is as it was and Andy will be home any time now.

There are times that I am just too weak to confront the reality of Andy being gone and need to "rest" by going to the safe place for a while, pick up as if it were February 25, 2005, the day before our world changed. I don't need that safe place as much as I used to, but I suspect I will always go there, at times.
After the annual benefit for Andy's scholarship this year, I had a dream so real, it stayed with me for days. Andy was here, in person, smiling, talking about staying strong and reassuring me that he is all right, great! We hugged and though I know that it is impossible to feel warmth and strength in a dream, I swear, I did feel Andy's arms wrapped around me giving me a bear hug! I think Andy knows about that safe place in my mind and helps me when I really need it ;-)'
I appreciate all of the support our friends and family afford as all of you should know that you are all my other "safe haven" and you all help me navigate through the emotional quagmire when I get stuck. Thank you.

Ace's Mom

"There is nothing to be unhappy about" - Andy "Ace" Nowacki