Ace's Birthday

Today is Ace’s birthday. I wonder what life would be like now if Andy were still here to talk to, laugh with, and lean on.

It is days like this that take me back in time, that bring memories of a little boy, freckles, bright blue eyes and a big smile, waiting to give his Mom a giant hug.  The little guy who could look angelic while tormenting his big brothers. The animal loving kid who did not mind that 2 dogs and a cat slept in his bed with him. The police officer that shoveled walks for sick folks. The Marine who wanted to protect his brothers.The thoughts will come, unbidden; Andy at 2, at 7, going to a homecoming dance, off to boot camp….. The memories flood in and, for a time, fill the void that Ace’s death has left in my life. A slide show of Andy at different stages in his life runs through my brain, intensified this day, the day we first met him 32 years ago.

Is it self- indulgent to sit back and just remember? I don’t think so. It seems to be a part of the endless healing process, a way to corral the grief, if only for a short period of time. Today I will read Andy’s emails and his letters home and laugh. I will pretend, if only for a little while, that he is only a phone call away and that he can walk through the door at any minute. It is my little coping mechanism to get me through the difficult hours. It is now hours instead of days, so I know that I have learned to live without Ace being here, physically. There has been a healing of sorts.

I know that Andy will still find a way to help make the gala in his honor for the benefit of the scholarship fund that bears his name, despite the major problem with the invitations being late in getting to folks. He manages to find ways to let me know that he is still here for me, doing his part to watch out for his Mom and give her a virtual giant hug.

Happy Birthday, My Andy, I love you and  miss you.

Xoxo
Mom