Police Memorial weekend is always a bundle of emotions: pride, exhilaration, and brotherhood, coupled with overwhelming sadness. The kaleidoscope of feelings is welcome but at the same time, exhausting.In spite of all that, it is something that we choose to embrace. One minute we are smiling, the next crying as we think of Andy and his love for being a cop and Police Memorial weekend. The LCpl Andy Nowacki Veteran of the Year Memorial Award was given away last night to Col. James Riley, a well deserving recipient.
It is really amazing to me that after seven years, it is still akin to a giant hand squeezing my heart when I hear the words spoken, "killed in action". It is so final, no promise of a future. The words killed, fatally wounded, dead are all words that strip my soul bare, wall off that safe place in my mind that allows me peace, the pretense that all is as it was and Andy will be home any time now.
There are times that I am just too weak to confront the reality of Andy being gone and need to "rest" by going to the safe place for a while, pick up as if it were February 25, 2005, the day before our world changed. I don't need that safe place as much as I used to, but I suspect I will always go there, at times.
After the annual benefit for Andy's scholarship this year, I had a dream so real, it stayed with me for days. Andy was here, in person, smiling, talking about staying strong and reassuring me that he is all right, great! We hugged and though I know that it is impossible to feel warmth and strength in a dream, I swear, I did feel Andy's arms wrapped around me giving me a bear hug! I think Andy knows about that safe place in my mind and helps me when I really need it ;-)'
I appreciate all of the support our friends and family afford as all of you should know that you are all my other "safe haven" and you all help me navigate through the emotional quagmire when I get stuck. Thank you.
Ace's Mom
"There is nothing to be unhappy about" - Andy "Ace" Nowacki
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Ace's Birthday
Today is Ace’s birthday. I wonder what life would be like now if Andy were still here to talk to, laugh with, and lean on.
It is days like this that take me back in time, that bring memories of a little boy, freckles, bright blue eyes and a big smile, waiting to give his Mom a giant hug. The little guy who could look angelic while tormenting his big brothers. The animal loving kid who did not mind that 2 dogs and a cat slept in his bed with him. The police officer that shoveled walks for sick folks. The Marine who wanted to protect his brothers.The thoughts will come, unbidden; Andy at 2, at 7, going to a homecoming dance, off to boot camp….. The memories flood in and, for a time, fill the void that Ace’s death has left in my life. A slide show of Andy at different stages in his life runs through my brain, intensified this day, the day we first met him 32 years ago.
Is it self- indulgent to sit back and just remember? I don’t think so. It seems to be a part of the endless healing process, a way to corral the grief, if only for a short period of time. Today I will read Andy’s emails and his letters home and laugh. I will pretend, if only for a little while, that he is only a phone call away and that he can walk through the door at any minute. It is my little coping mechanism to get me through the difficult hours. It is now hours instead of days, so I know that I have learned to live without Ace being here, physically. There has been a healing of sorts.
I know that Andy will still find a way to help make the gala in his honor for the benefit of the scholarship fund that bears his name, despite the major problem with the invitations being late in getting to folks. He manages to find ways to let me know that he is still here for me, doing his part to watch out for his Mom and give her a virtual giant hug.
Happy Birthday, My Andy, I love you and miss you.
Xoxo
Mom
Mom
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Passage of Time
Seven years ago, our lives were changed in an unimaginable way. Two Marines knocked on our door to tell us that our youngest son was killed in combat. It is one of the moments in time that is indelibly imprinted in my mind, a moment that I would give anything to have erased.
The passage of time dulls the sharpness of the grief, but the pain does not go away. There are moments when the loss of Andy is still so overwhelming that tears flow and they cannot be held back. Now and again, we all need the outlet of tears, release the grief.
Fortunately, most of the time, thoughts of Andy are joyful, full of life and love, bringing smiles and outright laughter at unexpected moments, not tears. Who can forget Andy’s “blue steel” look and not giggle? Or envision his police car with a disco ball, smiley faces , skull door locks and a dashboard hula girl and not laugh aloud? How about Andy’s escapades doing yard work when he described the encounter with the lady who named every flower in her garden (Andy accidently trampled “Gladys” and there was hell to pay!)? The best of Ace is to watch his videos, Andy in action, making people laugh!
Yesterday, as we gathered with Andy’s friends, Marines and police brothers, it was heartwarming that we all talked about Andy and TO Andy amidst grins, smiles and happiness. Love for Ace just radiated in that room! Andy left a legacy that many us treasure; the legacy of laughter and love for one another. Is there anything greater than that?
Today is Andy’s casualty date. As the custodian of Ace’s legacy of caring and laughter, I will think of Andy with joy. Tears are not an option. I will celebrate his remarkable life with family and friends as we “Pedal for Heroes” to raise money for vets. Andy will be right there with Team Ace, urging us on to achieve our goal of 262 minutes, one minute for each Ohioan that has died since 9/11 in the Mideast. He really would not want it any other way would he?
As Andy said, “there is nothing to be unhappy about”. I miss you, Ace.
Ace's Mom
Friday, September 23, 2011
Ace's Mom: Friends
Ace's Mom: Friends: I have had the opportunity to spend time with many of my friends over the last month. Some of these friends I "inherited" from Andy, and I h...
Friends
I have had the opportunity to spend time with many of my friends over the last month. Some of these friends I "inherited" from Andy, and I have come to love them dearly.Some did not "know" Andy but came to us through Andy. It is ironic that in losing Andy, I found so many other people to love.
I was lucky enough to travel to Chicago to run with a Marine, a cop, a Llama Chaser and a girlfriend in the Chicago Half Marathon and 5k on 9/11. It was an amazing day with great people. We wore red shirts that had the "Wack Attack" logo on the front and the back said, "There is nothing to be unhappy about".
Andy was very good at describing his friends to me. In a letter from his first deployment, he described, with humor, every guy in his unit, their nicknames and how they got them. I also remember the anguish when one of them was shot, point blank, in the head as he was passing out aid packages.
I bring this up for a reason; life is short, too short for us not to appreciate those that have become dear to us and those that may. We cannot let the little things get in the way of reaching out. It does not matter who's turn it is to call, or who makes the next approach. It is insignificant who was able to make the party and who could not. All that really counts is that we continue to touch each other, care about each other and be there if we are needed. We need to put aside the "me" thoughts and think about the other guy.
Andy would call everyone that he had a phone number for just to say hi. He did not care if this person ever called him back as that is not what mattered to him. It was the gesture, the caring that mattered.
Denis, Pete, Nate and I often ask, "What would Andy do?". It is almost always crystal clear: reach out, care and give all that you can.
Oh, if you need to know what a Llama Chaser is, I recommend that you go to their web site and read all about them. They celebrate the true meaning of friendship and I love each and every one of them.
http://www.llamachasers.com/
Thanks for reading. I was kind of on a soap box this week.
"There is nothing to be unhappy about" - Ace Nowacki
I was lucky enough to travel to Chicago to run with a Marine, a cop, a Llama Chaser and a girlfriend in the Chicago Half Marathon and 5k on 9/11. It was an amazing day with great people. We wore red shirts that had the "Wack Attack" logo on the front and the back said, "There is nothing to be unhappy about".
Andy was very good at describing his friends to me. In a letter from his first deployment, he described, with humor, every guy in his unit, their nicknames and how they got them. I also remember the anguish when one of them was shot, point blank, in the head as he was passing out aid packages.
I bring this up for a reason; life is short, too short for us not to appreciate those that have become dear to us and those that may. We cannot let the little things get in the way of reaching out. It does not matter who's turn it is to call, or who makes the next approach. It is insignificant who was able to make the party and who could not. All that really counts is that we continue to touch each other, care about each other and be there if we are needed. We need to put aside the "me" thoughts and think about the other guy.
Andy would call everyone that he had a phone number for just to say hi. He did not care if this person ever called him back as that is not what mattered to him. It was the gesture, the caring that mattered.
Denis, Pete, Nate and I often ask, "What would Andy do?". It is almost always crystal clear: reach out, care and give all that you can.
Oh, if you need to know what a Llama Chaser is, I recommend that you go to their web site and read all about them. They celebrate the true meaning of friendship and I love each and every one of them.
http://www.llamachasers.com/
Thanks for reading. I was kind of on a soap box this week.
"There is nothing to be unhappy about" - Ace Nowacki
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Still Coping
One would think that there would be no surprises left when it comes to Andy, but that is not true. It is, most likely, the same for anyone who has lost someone they love dearly, not just me!
Andy has two Marine friends, one in Kansas City, Aaron, and one in Chicago, Kevin, who are running and decided to raise money for Andy's scholarship. They are amazing! The amount of work that they are putting into this for Andy is inspiring.
Of course, along with the all the race talk, there is a lot of "Andy talk" which keeps him right at the front of my mind. Everything reminds me of him: I see a Sharpie and I recall when he wrote his name on the arms of the Iraqi kids in the town the Marines made their camp. They all knew Andy's name. I see ice and remember that Andy was called "Ice Man" by the locals as he made the ice run into town for the unit. I see a dog and think of Frank, the dog that followed him everywhere in Iraq, and ran after his truck for miles when Andy came home.
Most of the time, it is OK but every once in a while, it is much like a punch to the solar plexus. Missing Andy is just a feeling that will always be there. Sometimes I can smile and at other times I will cry, but the emotions are a constant, a part of who I am. The pain is always there, lurking below the surface, and if there is a quiet moment, the feelings will creep in and my heart aches. Turning the sadness into a smile is something that I strive to do because I know that Andy would not want anyone to cry on his account.In fact, I can picture him standing over my shoulder as I write this, smiling in his goofy way, encouraging me to capture the joy. So smile ;-)'
"There is nothing to be unhappy about" - Ace Nowacki
Andy has two Marine friends, one in Kansas City, Aaron, and one in Chicago, Kevin, who are running and decided to raise money for Andy's scholarship. They are amazing! The amount of work that they are putting into this for Andy is inspiring.
Of course, along with the all the race talk, there is a lot of "Andy talk" which keeps him right at the front of my mind. Everything reminds me of him: I see a Sharpie and I recall when he wrote his name on the arms of the Iraqi kids in the town the Marines made their camp. They all knew Andy's name. I see ice and remember that Andy was called "Ice Man" by the locals as he made the ice run into town for the unit. I see a dog and think of Frank, the dog that followed him everywhere in Iraq, and ran after his truck for miles when Andy came home.
Most of the time, it is OK but every once in a while, it is much like a punch to the solar plexus. Missing Andy is just a feeling that will always be there. Sometimes I can smile and at other times I will cry, but the emotions are a constant, a part of who I am. The pain is always there, lurking below the surface, and if there is a quiet moment, the feelings will creep in and my heart aches. Turning the sadness into a smile is something that I strive to do because I know that Andy would not want anyone to cry on his account.In fact, I can picture him standing over my shoulder as I write this, smiling in his goofy way, encouraging me to capture the joy. So smile ;-)'
"There is nothing to be unhappy about" - Ace Nowacki
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Hike
I know that I have said that it never ceases to amaze me how Andy just keeps popping up in our lives, but it bears repeating.
This past week, we learned Troy Yocum, the Iraqi war veteran that is walking across America to raise money for Military families in need, is dedicating his walk through Eastlake to Classic Park in Andy's honor! Troy is a very special man with a dedication to his cause that many of you will relate to.
As always, it is such a mixed blessing: joy that Andy is never forgotten along with the pain of missing him. I grasp at whatever I can to cope with the loss of Ace; sometimes it is watching one of his "home" movies. It might be reading one of his letters or one of emails that I saved. Many times it is just remembering Andy.
There was the time he called his police chief in sick so that they could eat breakfast together and then go to the St. Paddy's Day parade or the time he pimped out his police car and almost gave his Captain a coronary! In case you are wondering, his "alterations" consisted of: skulls for locks, a hula girl on the dash, a disco ball light and, the best part: Ace lined up big, yellow smiley faces on the back window for anyone riding in the back to enjoy! When we drove to Grand River after Ace was killed, the Captain picked us up in that same police car. I smiled while riding in the back seat.:-)I guess we should always look at what we can smile about as opposed to what makes us sad, angry or indifferent.
Back to Troy. I am sure that Andy and other fallen heroes like Josh Harmon, Brian Montgomery and David Baker are walking step for step with Troy. They are supporting their brother, every inch of the way, in this grand endeavor. For me, I will be at Classic Park on Thursday, cheering on Troy and what he represents, hoping that I can take a few steps with him in honor of our fallen and I know that my Ace will be next to me, smiling, matching stride for stride.
If you want to read more about Troy, here is his web site: http://drumhike.com/
Thank you for reading.
Sheila
"There is nothing to be unhappy about"- Ace Nowacki
This past week, we learned Troy Yocum, the Iraqi war veteran that is walking across America to raise money for Military families in need, is dedicating his walk through Eastlake to Classic Park in Andy's honor! Troy is a very special man with a dedication to his cause that many of you will relate to.
As always, it is such a mixed blessing: joy that Andy is never forgotten along with the pain of missing him. I grasp at whatever I can to cope with the loss of Ace; sometimes it is watching one of his "home" movies. It might be reading one of his letters or one of emails that I saved. Many times it is just remembering Andy.
There was the time he called his police chief in sick so that they could eat breakfast together and then go to the St. Paddy's Day parade or the time he pimped out his police car and almost gave his Captain a coronary! In case you are wondering, his "alterations" consisted of: skulls for locks, a hula girl on the dash, a disco ball light and, the best part: Ace lined up big, yellow smiley faces on the back window for anyone riding in the back to enjoy! When we drove to Grand River after Ace was killed, the Captain picked us up in that same police car. I smiled while riding in the back seat.:-)I guess we should always look at what we can smile about as opposed to what makes us sad, angry or indifferent.
Back to Troy. I am sure that Andy and other fallen heroes like Josh Harmon, Brian Montgomery and David Baker are walking step for step with Troy. They are supporting their brother, every inch of the way, in this grand endeavor. For me, I will be at Classic Park on Thursday, cheering on Troy and what he represents, hoping that I can take a few steps with him in honor of our fallen and I know that my Ace will be next to me, smiling, matching stride for stride.
If you want to read more about Troy, here is his web site: http://drumhike.com/
Thank you for reading.
Sheila
"There is nothing to be unhappy about"- Ace Nowacki
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