The Rolex

It's been an emotional week, for sure, and it all started with a trip to the attic. As some of you know, it took me almost a decade to clean out the closet that had some of Andy's clothes and things stored in it so it would come as no surprise that I have not looked in the bin that had "Ace" and a smiley face written in Sharpie along with the dire warning "DO NOT SIT" that had been stored in the attic.

This bin contained Ace's stuff from Iraq. There is a collection of Simpson bobble head figurines that look like they came in a McDonald's happy meal, pictures, Iraqi money and other items that I have not pulled out yet but the eye catching items were the watches.

There is a Marine Corps watch, an expedition watch along with two"Rolex" watches, a man's and a woman's.

If you knew Ace, you know he was a wheeler dealer so the watches could have been part of his bartering. Remember, this is the same guy who traded toothbrushes and Gatorade for chickens so he could have some eggs. Knowing his penchant for a deal, I called Pete, Ace's brother who also deployed to Iraq twice, to see if he might know about the watches. Pete immediately launched into a perfect imitation of an Iraqi man hawking knock off watches to a soldier!

Did I mention that after 11 years in a bin, the watch runs? When I wear it, all I have to do is look at my wrist and that watch brings a smile to my face as I hear Pete's voice and picture Ace.

The other event this week was the completion of a film documentary that began last summer. Two wonderful guys who own a media company, wanted to do a "passion" project about Cleveland and possibly the Cuyahoga River. They were introduced to me as I am one of the old timers that has been rowing on the river for over 20 years.They decided that they wanted to film me rowing , possibly use some parts with me talking about Ace and how rowing keeps me centered. Well, after we talked about Andy, and they saw the videos along with the footage he shot, it became more of a project about Ace and less about the river. I was not surprised. Andy captures the attention of most people that he is introduced to! Last week, we filmed the last sequences which had me reading Andy's letters from the first deployment. I had forgotten how well he was able to capture events along with colorful descriptions of people;Marines, Iraqis, Italians, everyone he met. The letters are funny and at the same time they are also heart- wrenching. Reading them is a lot like having Ace sitting next to me on the couch, relating the stories in person. Oh,what I would not give for that to happen just one more time; a live conversation with Andy.

For now, I will be as content as I can be, re-reading letters and perhaps tackling another box in the attic one day soon. Who knows what other treasures are hidden there?

Ace's Mom

"There is nothing to be unhappy about."~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Ace's Mom: Who Knew?

Ace's Mom: Who Knew?: There are times in life that you want to change your mind but you can't. One of those times for me was when I went into labor. I really...

Who Knew?

There are times in life that you want to change your mind but you can't. One of those times for me was when I went into labor. I really wanted someone else to take over for a while or just finish up. The reality hit that this was all on me, it was not like changing your mind to run a marathon.

It really is the unexpected things that zing your heart and emotion is released like looking for a coat in the closet and seeing Andy's dress blues hanging in plastic or his 80's pants. That's the stuff you don't plan for, the stuff that reduces you to a blubbering fool in the corner wanting to shut out the world.

You would think that after eleven years, that kind of emotion would not hit as hard and fast but it does.I no longer look for the magic threshold that when you step over it, the feelings of loss become less painfully intense. I am pretty sure it does not exist.

Yesterday, a day when the past month (Ace's KIA date, Ace's birthday, my Mom's illness, preparing for the gala fund raiser) all caught up to me and curling up in dark corner to escape seemed the best option, a wonderful gift came my way that made the world a little brighter, and it happened at the mall of all places!

I will explain that for the past 6 or 7 years, Denis and I have gone to the Mentor Mall to walk  if the weather is inclement, which we all know is Cleveland at least half the time. We park at Macy's lower level  and we walk past the home department. Almost every day, there is a cheerful, friendly sales clerk in a wheelchair who says hello and asks how we are.  We wave, say hello and keep walking.

Yesterday, my shopping quest took me to the home department in Macy's and this same sales clerk rang up my purchases.

There were no other customers so we took a few minutes to chat. I learned that her name is Alexis and she asked where Denis was. I explained that he had something else to do and I was taking advantage of just being able to wander by myself, looking and touching the spring clothes. Alexis then said something very surprising to me; she told me that Denis and I were an inspiration to her! She knew we were Ace's parents, I am not sure how, and proceeded to tell me that if we were able to persist in putting one foot in front of the other after the devastating loss of our son, she could certainly do the same. At the time we started to walk in the mall, she was the primary care giver for her husband who was ill and she was struggling. He has since passed away. Did we have any idea that we were helping someone just by saying hello and smiling? Nope!

I left that store counting my blessings, thankful that I have so many supportive, loving people in my life. Who knew that a sales clerk in a wheelchair would be the one to pull me out of the dark corner and bring me back into the light, ready to face whatever was coming my way?

Who knew?

Ace's Mom
"There's nothing to be unhappy about"~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Startling Sighting

Eleven years later and some things never change. It goes without saying that missing Andy is a normal undercurrent of daily life now. It is the norm, a dull ache that is ever present. What is not expected is turning on the news and seeing Ace! Let me explain:

With all the news about snow and canceled flights that have impacted the entire country, there have been many a reporter standing in an airport, pointing out the obvious: many travelers are stranded. In one such newscast, and I cannot even say which station or city, the camera pans the airport while the reporter talks about the snowy Armageddon that is beginning in the east. At that point I look up and standing in profile, is a military man. He is dressed in fatigues, sporting a large military backpack. The soldier has light colored hair and from a distance, he appeared to be Andy or his twin. He was only on the screen for five seconds or so, but in that time my heart picked up speed as I saw Ace before me! I had hoped that the camera would pan back but it never did. 

This incident reminded me of a dream that I had many years ago. In this dream, Ace was standing in the kitchen, next to the french doors. He was wearing fatigues that had not been washed and his face was dirty. I was so astounded to see him that I was almost speechless. I told him that we were led to believe that he had died in Iraq. Ace said that "they" had lied to us! He was quite angry about it. He told me that he had been on a secret operation for several years which was why he had not been in touch.  Anyone who knows Ace can appreciate that he was the least likely person to do anything secretive as he loved to talk to any and all people he met and then keep their contact information so that he could stay in touch! Needless to say, as lifelike as that dream was, I woke up to no Ace beside me in the kitchen.

Call me crazy, but I believe that these "Ace sightings" are Andy's way of letting me know that he is still with me, despite our inability to physically connect. 

No matter who we lose, there always seems to be this minuscule kernel of hope that our loved one is really still here on earth and that this death thing is all a sham. Defense mechanism? Our internal coping technique to deal with devastating loss?

Perhaps, but I will swear that the soldier on TV turned, smiled and gave me the "rock on" sign.

"There is nothing to be unhappy about" ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Rock On,
Ace's Mom

Ace-less Christmas

Whoever said, " Time heals all wounds" was not correct.Time may well fix a cut or a bruise, but not emotional injuries, not the battering of a heart. The emotional bleeding will stop eventually and the hole will scab over as  protection to our sanity, allowing us to live life, but the pain never really subsides. The Christmas Holidays are a time of the year when the pain bubbles through and this year is no exception.

Every ornament hung on our tree has a provenance and all involve memories of years when Ace, Nate and Pete were kids, excited to make decorations or help pick out something new. I tried putting all new ornaments on a tree the first Christmas  without Ace but in many ways, that tree was more difficult to look at than if I had decorated with the traditional, cherished ornaments. That tree was much like staring at The Grinch; it had no heart, no warmth. Since that first year, the boxes come out of the attic and as each treasure is hung on a branch, I allow the smiles and the tears to surface along with the memories. The only item that remains in the box is Andy's Christmas stocking.  Even looking at the stocking  is really  a direct hit to my emotional core so it simply stays in the box.

There are times that the parties and gatherings serve to accentuate the loss of Ace and I have to just take time to remember alone and allow the memories to take me where they may. We all need to give ourselves permission to feel sadness if we need to. Stifling and hiding the hurt only serve to make the stress and pain of it all worse.

Ace's favorite time of the year was Christmas. He and his brothers never cared much about the gifts that they received, but they sure did get excited over what presents they were giving! They embraced the spirit of Christmas without getting bogged down in the materialistic aspects that we are bombarded with.

One year when Ace was about 4 years old, he decided that he wanted to give one of his toys to a child that was in need. Ace did not pick a discarded toy but took his treasured Happy Birthday Care Bear to put in the donation box. That gesture pretty much says everything about Ace's spirit, not only at Christmas but all year round. This joyful spirit is what I try to embrace every year and not let sadness overtake me. Ace would not approve if the holidays meant  tears and not smiles!

Seize the joy of the season, the generosity of spirit! Temper the sadness with the warmth of family and friends and the beauty of what Christmas really means. Try to be like Ace.

Ace's Mom
 "There is nothing to be unhappy about."~ Andy Ace Nowacki

"Dude, Here's Your Tiki Cup!"

I needed a new laptop. Simple, right? NO!Not simple at all for a non-techie like me. Well, I lost my Blog and finally, with a little help, found it again. 
On to my Andy story.
This past week we met with a videographer who is going to help us with a video.She asked if there were things about Andy that people, in general, did not know about. 
This is an Ace episode that only some would have knowledge of but it makes me laugh every time and I thank the Marine who relayed the story. 
We had made the trip to the reserve center in Chicago for the dedication of a memorial shortly after Andy was KIA. We had the opportunity to meet Marines from that area for the first time. A young Marine approached us to tell us how much Andy meant to him and related how he met and came to know Ace. I apologize for not remembering his name but I can still see his face along with the tears sliding down his face to his smile as he talked. 
For those who don't know, Camp Pendleton in California, is a base that trains combat readiness. This Chicago Marine who approached us was at Camp Pendleton with Ace prior to deployment to Iraq. One of his duties was to ensure that rooms were inspection ready. He knocked on a door and was told to "Come in". He opened the door and stared in wonder! In the room was a Marine with a room like no other: Ace had managed to make his room into a California beach! He had "sand" (a beige shag rug), an inflatable palm tree, a poster of a model in a bikini. He was wearing sunglasses, shorts and flip flops and sitting in a beach chair, holding a Tiki cup! Ace proceeded to say to this Marine as he stood there, speechless, "Dude, here is your Tiki cup. Bring it with you whenever you enter my room". The astonished Marine just said, "You are in so much trouble!" as he backed out of the room with his Tiki cup in hand.
This Marine, as he completed his story, laughing and crying, said, "And you know what Maam? Andy never got in trouble for his room. Everyone loved going to his room because he made them laugh."
I hold this story close to my heart as it really epitomizes what Ace did his entire life, make people happy. Ace still can make me smile and laugh out loud! What a tremendous gift!

Ace's Mom
 "There is nothing to be unhappy about"~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki 

Is It a Dream or a Sign?

Ten years have passed since Andy last talked to me. Ten years is a long time but it really seems like yesterday. Ace has let me know on a regular basis that he is still watching over us. Some of you that read this may believe and some may not, but I am going to tell you what happened in our house the first week of March.

Denis and I had finished dinner, and we had put a few dishes and the silverware in the sink, intending to wash up after we watched the news. I will tell you that we have a modest, cozy house so it is not far from the living room to the kitchen. As we were watching TV, we both hear a sound coming from the kitchen, metal on metal. It is something rattling  silverware against silverware or against the stainless steel sink. I put the TV on mute. We both hear the noise. It stops. We both shrug and continue to watch TV. Again, we hear metal rattling in the kitchen! We mute the TV again and we both listen. We hear the clanking again! Denis gets up and walks into the kitchen and again all goes quiet. He is puzzled but comes back in to finish watching the news. Again, we both hear the same sound. TV goes on mute and we both go to the kitchen. 

At this point, we decide to eliminate the dishes in the sink and clean up. I also look in all the drawers that might have metal to see if there is anything that might have been the source. Nothing!

 At this point, it is quiet. We finish watching the news and don't think a whole lot of it. This all occurred on a Thursday evening.

Have you ever had the dream where things look like real places and the people seem real? Well, the following Sunday after the silverware clanking phenomena, I had such a dream. I was in our dining room where we raised the boys. Andy, as a two and a half to three year old, comes barreling towards me! I lean down and he hugs my neck and wraps his skinny little legs around my waist! He is hanging on like a monkey! We are hugging and laughing so hard that I lose my balance...I lower myself to the floor with Andy still clinging. I cannot begin to tell you the pure joy that I was feeling laying on the floor, laughing with Andy, feeling his breath on my neck.  As  it usually does, the real world interfered and the alarm clock woke me  up, bursting the dream bubble. I managed to hold  on to that wonderful feeling despite the abrupt wake up call, but I really was a bit off my game the entire day.

That evening, as Denis and I were taking our usual two mile walk, I was telling him that I was a bit discombobulated at work all day Monday because I was awakened so abruptly from my Andy dream. Denis said to me, "Do  you remember the other night when the silverware was rattling? Do you know what day that was? It was the day ten years ago that Andy came home to us. That was Ace in the kitchen." 

Between the noise episode and the dream with Andy hugging me, I know that he is here with us, encouraging us all to continue going forward and that he is  with us every step of the way, even after ten years have gone by.

Thank you, my Andy. Love you to the moon and back.

Ace's Mom  ~ "There is nothing to be unhappy about." Andy "Ace" Nowacki