Twice Blessed by Andy

Ten years. A decade. One tenth of a century. A long time by most standards.  People will ask if you know where you were on 9/11 or when JFK was assassinated and most people can respond.The tenth anniversary of Andy's death is February 26th.  I can remember that day in vivid detail...what I was doing, where Denis was in the house, what the time was, how cold it was when the knock at the door came. Whether we want to or not, we relive that precise moment in technicolor, frequently, but especially on February 26th.

Two months later, Shannon O'Brien interviewed us about Ace and our life with him and his brothers. I did not remember saying that we were "twice blessed by Andy. We were blessed the day he was born and the day that he died" and despite the depth of pain that we continue to feel, we are so fortunate  that we have the friendship and love of so many people that we have met through Ace!

I can see Ace's love shine through when his friends reach out to just say hello, or tell us a funny story about Andy. I can see Ace's compassion when his brothers reach out to people less fortunate than they. I see Ace in his fellow police officers as they go about the business of reaching out to the community with empathy.

When I wake up tomorrow, I will pretend for just a little while that Andy will call or drop by as this is what helps get me through the patches that are too painful. I know that he will not appear magically, but it can help ease the pain to just pretend for just a little while. I will  look at pictures, talk to his brothers and his friends and we will tell silly stories and mimic Andy's version of the "blue steel" look. Tomorrow is a day that we would rather skip, but since that is not an option, we will find as much joy and love as we possibly can as that is the best way to remember Ace. Semper Fi, Marines.

Love,
Ace's Mom
"There is nothing to be unhappy about"~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Ripping Off the Scab

Here it is, 2015, ten years since Ace was killed by a roadside bomb. In some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago, but most times it feels like yesterday.
As we get ready for the 10th Heroes for Andy gala, I have been going through pictures, video and memories. Along with doing that, we had our annual reunion to remember Andy with those Marines from his unit that live close enough to gather and remember.The chain that binds these warriors is a special one, with the links being war, protection, love of one another and Ace.
 Some ask why we would rip the scab off of our emotions after ten years. A scab indicates healing. You never recover from a loss of someone you love so dearly so there really is no "scab". The hole in our lives that occurred with the loss of Andy never healed over as the void remains. Life becomes different. We learn how to function with a hole in our hearts.
That initial anguish had to change or we could not live our lives. Grief for us transformed to remembrance, a way to share Ace with others and to keep that loving spirit with us. Every time we look back, we can share a part of Andy with others that did not know him. Is it always fun to reminisce? Absolutely not but in this case, there are always more smiles than there are tears.
We need to have the pain so that we can really appreciate and recognize happiness.

Yesterday, we did more laughing than crying. How can you not laugh when you talk about Ace and his antics like making a human battering ram or making a game out of changing chem lights in a port a potty?

I struggled with words today as it can be so difficult to explain feelings, especially feelings about the life and death of my son. My motivation was to hopefully help anyone who might happen on this blog that is struggling with pain of loss.  There is no timeline for grief but eventually that grief needs to be sustainable in order to live.
 "Grief is in two parts. The first in loss.The second is the remaking of life." ~ Anne Rolphe

Ace's Mom ~ "There is nothing to be unhappy about." ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Ace's Mom: Ace-less Christmas

Ace's Mom: Ace-less Christmas: Christmas 2014. Nine years of celebrating Christmas without Ace.This Christmas Season has been a particularly rough one, for whatever reaso...

Ace-less Christmas

Christmas 2014. Nine years of celebrating Christmas without Ace.This Christmas Season has been a particularly rough one, for whatever reason. There is no rhyme or reason to the feelings and anyone who has lost a child would probably agree; one hour you are fine and the next not so fine. Could it be the images of military personnel arriving home to wildly happy families? Maybe. Could it be all the news about policemen? (Yes, I know exactly what Andy would say about the current state of affairs!) The Christmas movies and music abound so maybe they spark something?

In any event, it is what it is. There are probably folks that can relate to the attacks of unsolicited melancholy that can just happen but I know that Ace would not have tolerated sadness at this special time of year.  I do try to count my blessings through the tears and treasure Ace's friends that reach out to us all the time, but particularly today.

  We have a wonderful family with a caring, beautiful step granddaughter, a healthy new grandson, my almost 90 year old Mom, my siblings, Pete & Nate, who never cease to make me laugh and their ladies, both who have become daughters to me, great friends, and a husband that puts up with me. For those of you struggling with the holidays, just remember that there are others experiencing the same feelings and it is okay, just remember all the goodness in your life. Don't let the sadness take charge!

I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas and a healthy and happy New Year and try to remember, like me "That there is nothing to be unhappy about".~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Ace's Mom ;-),

Ace's Mom: Thanksgiving

Ace's Mom: Thanksgiving: Do the holidays "get easier"? The void is still there and no matter what you do, you cannot really fill it up no matter how hard ...

Thanksgiving

Do the holidays "get easier"? The void is still there and no matter what you do, you cannot really fill it up no matter how hard you try. I think we just learn to cope better and let's face it, with eight years of holidays without Ace, there are not a lot of surprises that can trigger unsuspecting emotion. I take this time to embrace all that Andy loved about the holidays and hope that I can keep Christmas in a way that he would be proud.

Ace was the typical kid who really looked forward to Thanksgiving and all that it entailed, turkey, pumpkin pie but more importantly, having family surround him. It also was the beginning of the Christmas Season which meant planning what he was going to give to the various people in his life as gifts. Anyone who knew Ace knew that he took far more pleasure in giving a gift than receiving one. He would watch you open the present, anticipating the look of surprise as he spent a lot of time finding just the right thing for each person, something that would delight them and make them laugh!

Today, Thanksgiving, I am reflecting on what I am grateful for and the list is long. I am so thankful for a healthy, new grandson; Nate & Pete, two of the funniest and most generous men I know; wonderful, caring daughters-in-law; my loving 89 year old mom who makes me laugh every day with her unfiltered comments on life in general ; the rest of my family who is there in a heartbeat if I need them; Denis, my love; my friends, new and old; my Marine and Police sons and daughters who I never would have met without Andy; and the list could go on. I am truly thankful that I had Andy in my life for 23 years as he taught me  about generosity of spirit, laughter and love. As much as I miss him, I really believe that is what he was meant to do, teach us all how to give without reservation and be happy.

Happy Thanksgiving, all. Have a blessed and wonderful day.

Semper Fi,

Ace's Mom

"There is nothing the be unhappy about." ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Defining Moments

Defining moments...how many times have we heard that term or read that descriptive term? A defining moment is a time when the direction our lives is taking is changed, subtly or dramatically, in a certain way leading us to greater insight and expanded awareness. Is the defining moment one in which you feel you were hit by a baseball bat or a subtle moment that you are not even consciously thinking of but still affected you? If you think about it, we can probably have more than one defining moment in our lives, depending on where we are on life's journey.

Ace's defining moment came at an early age. Indeed, it may have been more of a defining "process" as I am not sure if a five year old can have that kind of a life altering event. Ace decided to take care of people, to be that person who tried to make everyone happy, to feel good about themselves. That desire to be his brothers' keeper manifested itself in acts of selflessness; giving away his favorite Care Bear to a child who did not have a toy to protecting citizens as a policemen or Marines as a gunner. This unselfish spirit was a way of life for Andy and the fact that he knew his role was to take care of people at such an early age was pretty astonishing.

My defining moment came when we learned that Ace was killed. It was then that I vowed that no one would forget Ace and that anyone could walk up to me and talk about him with feelings of happiness. In making that promise, the Andy Nowacki scholarship was born.

How many parents get to say that their son, nine years gone, has recently made new friends? How many people have said to me that they never had a chance to meet Ace in life but feel like he is one of their best friends?

Is the path chosen that day, over nine years ago and easy one? In some ways, it is. The myriad of wonderful people we have met on this road are too numerous to even recount and the continuing love of Ace's Marine and Police families that still surrounds us is nothing short of wondrous yet there are moments when it would be easier to just hide away. I do know that it is better to feel joy and pain than to not feel anything at all. In physical terms, sometimes talking about Ace is like pushing on a bruise that never heals; you are not fully aware of the pain until you press on it with your finger. You don't want that pain to go away because if it does, your loved one might be forgotten. I guess there is such a thing as "good pain".

As we go through this Easter weekend, I will be pushing on the bruise, thinking of and talking about Andy but doing it all with a smile, because how can you help not smile?

Ace's Mom
 "There is nothing to be unhappy about" ~ Ace Nowacki