The Closet

Why did "the closet" scare me so much? No, I did not think that there was a monster in the closet, ready to jump out at me, which might have been the case when I was 5. No, there was nothing particularly horrible in the closet either. What the closet did contain was Ace's "stuff', stuff that would have memories and images of Ace, in spades! Just the simple act of opening those bi-fold doors was difficult, a lifetime of emotions kept tumbling out. Why yesterday was the day, I really do not know. It just was after nine years of evasion, procrastination, reluctance, cowardice.... whatever you choose to call it.
Nate and I took bags and boxes and began pulling out bits of Andy, bits that have been in hiding for nine years. We carefully took out each item and decided which pile it would go in; his, Pete's, mine or the donation bag. On the shelf, the first thing Nate grabbed were boxes of ammunition. No gun, just ammo. The handcuffs were next. I looked over a few minutes later and there was Nate, one wrist encircled with a locked handcuff and frantically searching for the key! (Have I ever mentioned that Ace, Nate and Pete are a LOT alike?) Well, no key was obvious on the top shelf so we forged on pulling things out,  Nate wearing a handcuff and me still wearing the face of reluctance.
We found evidence of the time he spent in North Carolina in the form of tacky Myrtle Beach t-shirts; many turtleneck sweaters (Ace went through phases and he went from nothing could touch his neck to turtlenecks!); his vintage 1980's print pants; the shoes that went with the pants; various jeans; a new soccer shirt with the tag still dangling; a backpack; a pair of size 12 shoes (Andy wore a size 10); an assortment of Marine clothing including the "Who's your Baghdaddy?" Operation Iraqi Freedom t-shirt with the sleeves cut out; a very odd blanket with exotic blossoms on it and a police Zippo lighter. Of course there were letters that school kids had sent along with letters sent by me and some paperwork from the Corps that his Dad now has safely filed. My undoing though, despite seeing Ace in each piece of clothing as we folded it, was the infamous blue bathrobe. I know it is hard to believe, but it still SMELLED like Andy after all this time! This is the same bathrobe that he wore in Iraq; he wore it to take a shower with his flak jacket underneath it, according to his buddies. He donned it just sitting around, as evidenced by the photos that we have. He really liked his bathrobe!
Well, the closet is done. We will someday pull the boxes out of the attic that the Marine Corps packed and sent from Iraq, but that is something we will tackle at a different time. Those boxes are still scary to me, but will not hold the same memories as I did not share those times with him. I only know of those years through my treasured letters, saved emails, conversations, pictures and stories related by his Marine brothers.
I understand why I had to wait nine years now. Any sooner and the feelings that were unleashed would have undone me. Today the ache in my heart is manageable. In years past, the closet would have made that pain unbearable. Today, I am relieved and happy that Nate and I were able to share so many Ace memories together. We laughed a lot and cried just a little bit and now feel a sense of accomplishment.
When I need to feel a hug from Andy, I will now put on the blue bathrobe. By the way, Nate finally was freed of the handcuff by his Dad, who had the key.

"There is nothing to be unhappy about." ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Semper Fi,
Ace's Mom

Ace's Mom: New Year

Ace's Mom: New Year: 2014....a new year, a fresh beginning, a multitude of resolutions that can be achieved and another year without Andy. How do you express gr...

New Year

2014....a new year, a fresh beginning, a multitude of resolutions that can be achieved and another year without Andy. How do you express gratitude for being blessed with the gift of time and still quiet the melancholy that comes with knowing this day, the next day and the day after that you will go on without hugging and laughing with your youngest son? Some would think that after almost nine years without Ace that the sadness that can overtake you in an instant would be less intense, but that is not so for me. Losing someone so dear to your heart really leaves a gash, a gouge that can almost close at times and then gape open again with just the most incidental memory, word, picture or song.

Why has this new year hit so hard? I am not sure but it is what it is. I can accept that this is how I feel, not try to hide the emotion or be embarrassed that the grief is still bubbling to the surface. I will laugh and cry as I think of past holidays with Andy, how he loved to give the most ridiculous of gifts, so ridiculous that we still laugh about them. I thank his friends for continuing to share stories with me about Andy like how DID he find a statue of a black Jesus in Iraq?!? Thank you for that one, Joel ;-)'

I write this as I know that I am not alone in how I am feeling this holiday season and want others to know that it is okay to feel sad. Don't let anyone tell you that you are not allowed to grieve, no matter how many years have passed. You don't need anyone's permission, just don't let the sadness take over! Temper the grief with memories of happiness. I will be thinking of Ace and his quirky ability to find just the right ridiculous gift at just the right time and see that spirit living on through his brothers and his friends.

A happy, healthy and peaceful 2014 to all of you.

Love,
Ace's Mom    "There is nothing to be unhappy about." ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

It Smacks You in the Face

So there you are, minding your own business when all of a sudden you find yourself crying, not just crying but sobbing.....anyone who has lost someone has probably  had this happen. A song, a place, a movie, an ornament for the tree, any one of which can set your emotions to churning unexpectedly.
There are still things that even after eight and a half years will do that to me. I still cannot bear to take out the Christmas stockings that Aunt Diane made for all three boys with their names across the top. For whatever reason, I can hang the Rudolph the red nosed reindeer clothespin ornament that Andy made, but the stocking becomes my undoing.
Saturday, as I was finishing my 10,000 meter piece on the rowing machine, a song came on the TV that smacked me right in the face! It so reminded me of Andy that I had to stop rowing, just sit there and let the wave of grief wash over me. Why that song at that particular moment? Who knows? You just have to acknowledge the moment and the sadness and continue on your way. No matter how much time has passed, one year or twenty, these stabs of grief can occur.
Anyone who knew Andy knew that Christmas was his favorite time of the year. He did not really care about getting presents. He really loved surprising people with what he would choose for them. They were never elaborate gifts, but presents that would make you laugh and feel loved. There was always a lot of thought behind what he did and watching him as his family opened his presents was like having the Spirit of Christmas come to life. His gift to Grandma, a stuffed Santa that sings "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer", still comes out every Christmas and sings to her. We are all able to laugh together and remember our Ace. We really feel Andy's spirit in the room with us.

As we get closer to Christmas, many people will struggle. The ability to handle the loss of someone you love, manageable most of the year, can become unmanageable during holidays. Just know that you are not alone, that there are many out there like us, people that want to pull the covers over their heads and not surface until January 2nd. It really is okay to cry, to remember and take time for yourself no matter how much time has passed. Don't let anyone tell you to "move on" or that you are not allowed to be sad when you need to be. Grief needs to be acknowledged for what it is. If you stifle the sadness too often, that melancholy can become overwhelming and take over your life.
Remember the happy times and cry if you need to. It really is okay and it is normal. The result is you really can feel happy and still remember.

Ace's Mom
"There is nothing to be unhappy about"~ Ace Nowacki

The Little Things Get You

Sometimes it is the little things that bring you to your knees. I guess I mean that figuratively, not literally. As we get ready for the 8th benefit for Andy's scholarship, I kept finding bits of Ace, little things that just kept popping up as I was searching for odds and ends and doing a little cleaning. First it was Ace's letters from Paris Island. Always upbeat, Andy would find a way to make a positive out of a negative. For example, someone sent him candy and learning early on his drill instructor was THE most important person in his life, he immediately gave the entire box over to him. Ace's reward was one piece of candy!
I then came upon a picture that was taken when he was 8 years old. A friend, also named Andrew, invited him to go to Sandusky with him for vacation. This picture showed both Andrews with giant grins and backward baseball caps as they "whizzed" by in their go carts. Such an innocent time; no cares, no worries about terrorists, bombs, human misery or what the future would bring.
The proverbial last straw today was knocking over a tiny sand castle, all pink and sparkly, with a little yellow plastic banner waving from a turret that proclaimed  "WORLD'S BEST!". Andy brought that back to me from that very same trip to Sandusky.
Why is it that there are days that these small reminders of Ace can turn me into a weeping mess and on others I can continue to smile? I now know that the pain of not being able to hold your missing child never leaves. There are just some days that there are enough people around, enough hugs that the horrible void is covered over but when those distractions are not around, the cover is gone with the gaping hole just as big as it always was. The hole never diminishes. It is just a fact of my life now.
This week will be full of last minute details and prayers that Andy's benefit gets the same support that it has in the past. I am grateful for what has been accomplished by people that love Ace, thankful that they continue to reach out. His friends now have children and busy lives but they still make time for Andy.
Most days for me, there is great need to remember, to keep all Andy memories vivid as the fear that they will fade away is always lurking. I have to talk about Ace, talk to Ace. The benefit allows the memories, the laughter and compassion of Andy, and I am thankful that Ace lives on through this legacy of love.

Ace's Mom

"There is nothing to be unhappy about" ~ Ace Nowacki

Happy Birthday, Ace

,,

March 29,1980......this was the day when a very special person came into our lives. It was the day that Andy was born. He was in a hurry to see the world and made his arrival two weeks early at a whopping six pounds with silver blonde hair and bright blue eyes. From the first week of his life, Andy was a joy, a beam of sunlight for all of us even his big brothers.
As he grew older, Andy became the tease who tormented his brothers and although there were times that they became pretty angry with him, they always stuck together, as brothers should. After Andy was killed, Pete made an enlightening comment. He said that Andy was "the glue" that held us all together. In looking at Ace's role as a friend, a policeman and a Marine, he continued to be "the glue" that held people together for a common purpose be it capturing the enemy, keeping peace or just getting together for a good time.
In 2013, Ace is still the binding agent for Marines, police, friends and family as we come together to talk about him, his impact on us all and the overwhelming love that is generated at the Heroes for Andy Gala.
March 29th is such a bittersweet day for me as a Mom. I remember holding my beautiful son in my arms the day he was born, feeling such love and warmth and know that I will not ever  physically feel that again. Despite the passage of eight years,  I can feel Ace all around me as I remember 23 years of hugs, smiles, butterfly kisses and the love he had to share with me, his Dad, his brothers and his friends. His spirit remains, almost as big as he was in life. Happy Birthday, Android.
Love,
Ace's Mom

"There is nothing to be unhappy about." ~ Ace Nowacki

Eight Years

As the date, February 26th, approaches,time seems to slow down for me. Pictures of Andy are freeze-framed in my brain. For the first time in eight years I actively think of, and use the word death and Andy at that same time. For me, linking Ace, my wonderful son, so full of life, with death was a paradox, impossible.

Coming to terms with Ace's physical presence being gone is still not a completed process for me; I have his name in my phone, his email address on my computer. When I am in need of reassurance, I look at his name and it is like touching a fuzzy blanket. The same for his 80's clothes and uniforms still in the "guest" bedroom. I can open the closet and see the polyester pants or his Grand River Police uniform and there he is, standing in front of me telling me a hilarious story!Those are moments of joy tempered with the pain of knowing that the voice and laughter are in my head.

People are right when they say  that grief eases with time.  The painful bursts of grief become less frequent and intense; the memories bring smiles more often than tears now. But as the anniversary of his casualty date approaches, the memories become more vivid and stories that I have forgotten bubble to the surface. I was remembering his time as a police officer and the story he told me when he came home after working the night shift. Ace was driving along in his patrol car when he saw two women stumbling along the sidewalk, very apparently inebriated. Ace pulled over, got out of the car and asked the ladies if he could be of assistance. They told him that they knew that they should not drive so decided to walk home. Ace asked where home was. They responded, "Grafton". For those of you unfamiliar with our area, Grand River to Grafton is a about sixty miles away! Andy asked the ladies to get in the back seat of the cruiser and they headed back to the bar from whence they came. You see, being Ace, he did not want to lock them up for the night and he could not let them walk around in their drunken state so he had a plan. He went into the bar and asked for volunteers to drive the women home. One by one, the potential chauffeurs were administered a breathalizer by Ace until he found someone who was capable and sober!

I welcome the memories, the stories Andy told. I invite the memories in.I look at pictures of Ace and they all make me happy. It is the unsuspecting flashes of Ace that can still cause the painful stabbing of grief. I will forget and see Ace as a car passes with a young driver with shiny sunglasses or the back of a  police officer walking with a certain swagger. I suspect that this search  will never go away as there is always going to be this small part of me that believes my son is still coming home.

I look forward to seeing his Marine and Police brothers next weekend as we all will be remembering Ace mostly with laughter, but there will also be some tears. Ace was an important part of our lives and I am so thankful that so many continue to remember and keep his spirit, his presence alive.

"There is nothing to be unhappy about."~ Ace

Love,
Ace's Mom