The Little Things Get You

Sometimes it is the little things that bring you to your knees. I guess I mean that figuratively, not literally. As we get ready for the 8th benefit for Andy's scholarship, I kept finding bits of Ace, little things that just kept popping up as I was searching for odds and ends and doing a little cleaning. First it was Ace's letters from Paris Island. Always upbeat, Andy would find a way to make a positive out of a negative. For example, someone sent him candy and learning early on his drill instructor was THE most important person in his life, he immediately gave the entire box over to him. Ace's reward was one piece of candy!
I then came upon a picture that was taken when he was 8 years old. A friend, also named Andrew, invited him to go to Sandusky with him for vacation. This picture showed both Andrews with giant grins and backward baseball caps as they "whizzed" by in their go carts. Such an innocent time; no cares, no worries about terrorists, bombs, human misery or what the future would bring.
The proverbial last straw today was knocking over a tiny sand castle, all pink and sparkly, with a little yellow plastic banner waving from a turret that proclaimed  "WORLD'S BEST!". Andy brought that back to me from that very same trip to Sandusky.
Why is it that there are days that these small reminders of Ace can turn me into a weeping mess and on others I can continue to smile? I now know that the pain of not being able to hold your missing child never leaves. There are just some days that there are enough people around, enough hugs that the horrible void is covered over but when those distractions are not around, the cover is gone with the gaping hole just as big as it always was. The hole never diminishes. It is just a fact of my life now.
This week will be full of last minute details and prayers that Andy's benefit gets the same support that it has in the past. I am grateful for what has been accomplished by people that love Ace, thankful that they continue to reach out. His friends now have children and busy lives but they still make time for Andy.
Most days for me, there is great need to remember, to keep all Andy memories vivid as the fear that they will fade away is always lurking. I have to talk about Ace, talk to Ace. The benefit allows the memories, the laughter and compassion of Andy, and I am thankful that Ace lives on through this legacy of love.

Ace's Mom

"There is nothing to be unhappy about" ~ Ace Nowacki