Ace's Mom: Ace-less Christmas

Ace's Mom: Ace-less Christmas: Christmas 2014. Nine years of celebrating Christmas without Ace.This Christmas Season has been a particularly rough one, for whatever reaso...

Ace-less Christmas

Christmas 2014. Nine years of celebrating Christmas without Ace.This Christmas Season has been a particularly rough one, for whatever reason. There is no rhyme or reason to the feelings and anyone who has lost a child would probably agree; one hour you are fine and the next not so fine. Could it be the images of military personnel arriving home to wildly happy families? Maybe. Could it be all the news about policemen? (Yes, I know exactly what Andy would say about the current state of affairs!) The Christmas movies and music abound so maybe they spark something?

In any event, it is what it is. There are probably folks that can relate to the attacks of unsolicited melancholy that can just happen but I know that Ace would not have tolerated sadness at this special time of year.  I do try to count my blessings through the tears and treasure Ace's friends that reach out to us all the time, but particularly today.

  We have a wonderful family with a caring, beautiful step granddaughter, a healthy new grandson, my almost 90 year old Mom, my siblings, Pete & Nate, who never cease to make me laugh and their ladies, both who have become daughters to me, great friends, and a husband that puts up with me. For those of you struggling with the holidays, just remember that there are others experiencing the same feelings and it is okay, just remember all the goodness in your life. Don't let the sadness take charge!

I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas and a healthy and happy New Year and try to remember, like me "That there is nothing to be unhappy about".~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Ace's Mom ;-),

Ace's Mom: Thanksgiving

Ace's Mom: Thanksgiving: Do the holidays "get easier"? The void is still there and no matter what you do, you cannot really fill it up no matter how hard ...

Thanksgiving

Do the holidays "get easier"? The void is still there and no matter what you do, you cannot really fill it up no matter how hard you try. I think we just learn to cope better and let's face it, with eight years of holidays without Ace, there are not a lot of surprises that can trigger unsuspecting emotion. I take this time to embrace all that Andy loved about the holidays and hope that I can keep Christmas in a way that he would be proud.

Ace was the typical kid who really looked forward to Thanksgiving and all that it entailed, turkey, pumpkin pie but more importantly, having family surround him. It also was the beginning of the Christmas Season which meant planning what he was going to give to the various people in his life as gifts. Anyone who knew Ace knew that he took far more pleasure in giving a gift than receiving one. He would watch you open the present, anticipating the look of surprise as he spent a lot of time finding just the right thing for each person, something that would delight them and make them laugh!

Today, Thanksgiving, I am reflecting on what I am grateful for and the list is long. I am so thankful for a healthy, new grandson; Nate & Pete, two of the funniest and most generous men I know; wonderful, caring daughters-in-law; my loving 89 year old mom who makes me laugh every day with her unfiltered comments on life in general ; the rest of my family who is there in a heartbeat if I need them; Denis, my love; my friends, new and old; my Marine and Police sons and daughters who I never would have met without Andy; and the list could go on. I am truly thankful that I had Andy in my life for 23 years as he taught me  about generosity of spirit, laughter and love. As much as I miss him, I really believe that is what he was meant to do, teach us all how to give without reservation and be happy.

Happy Thanksgiving, all. Have a blessed and wonderful day.

Semper Fi,

Ace's Mom

"There is nothing the be unhappy about." ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Defining Moments

Defining moments...how many times have we heard that term or read that descriptive term? A defining moment is a time when the direction our lives is taking is changed, subtly or dramatically, in a certain way leading us to greater insight and expanded awareness. Is the defining moment one in which you feel you were hit by a baseball bat or a subtle moment that you are not even consciously thinking of but still affected you? If you think about it, we can probably have more than one defining moment in our lives, depending on where we are on life's journey.

Ace's defining moment came at an early age. Indeed, it may have been more of a defining "process" as I am not sure if a five year old can have that kind of a life altering event. Ace decided to take care of people, to be that person who tried to make everyone happy, to feel good about themselves. That desire to be his brothers' keeper manifested itself in acts of selflessness; giving away his favorite Care Bear to a child who did not have a toy to protecting citizens as a policemen or Marines as a gunner. This unselfish spirit was a way of life for Andy and the fact that he knew his role was to take care of people at such an early age was pretty astonishing.

My defining moment came when we learned that Ace was killed. It was then that I vowed that no one would forget Ace and that anyone could walk up to me and talk about him with feelings of happiness. In making that promise, the Andy Nowacki scholarship was born.

How many parents get to say that their son, nine years gone, has recently made new friends? How many people have said to me that they never had a chance to meet Ace in life but feel like he is one of their best friends?

Is the path chosen that day, over nine years ago and easy one? In some ways, it is. The myriad of wonderful people we have met on this road are too numerous to even recount and the continuing love of Ace's Marine and Police families that still surrounds us is nothing short of wondrous yet there are moments when it would be easier to just hide away. I do know that it is better to feel joy and pain than to not feel anything at all. In physical terms, sometimes talking about Ace is like pushing on a bruise that never heals; you are not fully aware of the pain until you press on it with your finger. You don't want that pain to go away because if it does, your loved one might be forgotten. I guess there is such a thing as "good pain".

As we go through this Easter weekend, I will be pushing on the bruise, thinking of and talking about Andy but doing it all with a smile, because how can you help not smile?

Ace's Mom
 "There is nothing to be unhappy about" ~ Ace Nowacki

A "Veritable" Day

Dear Ace,

Today is your birthday. Thirty four years ago today you literally popped into the world and our lives. You were a game changer!

Who knew that a six pound, silver haired little guy would have changed our lives so much? Yes, there were the usual changes that one would expect when adding a third boy to a household that already contained a four year and a two year old, but did we ever think that you would still be such a driving force nine years after you were taken from this earth?

You were a typical little kid except for the penchant to make up your own words ("veritable" was your word for awesome!) and the unbridled exuberance you had for life in general, your family and friends in particular. That joy was a constant for you even in the midst of  harsh circumstances. You found the laughter and a way to uplift yourself and your friends despite 100+ temperatures, no running water, scorpion bites, MRE's, being shot at and no real bed to sleep in.

As your Marine brothers gathered to celebrate your life a few weeks back, it was apparent that you were still with us in that room, making us laugh, recalling what you meant to us all. One would expect that your mom and dad would still mourn you, still feel the stabs of pain, but how unexpected that so many would feel as we do after nine years, post Marine duty, leading lives as husbands and fathers.

Your blood brothers often called you the glue that held us all together. One of your Marine brothers referred to you as the "crazy glue" that held them all together! How perfect a description that is for you: when the Marines were down in the dumps, you would show up wearing thong underwear to make them laugh, make a video of installing chem lights in port-a-potties or start one fingering your key board to bring music and cheer. To this day, they all have a memory of you doing something to keep them from sinking into a dark depression by making them laugh.

You, my wonderful son, have influenced more people than I could hope to impact in five lifetimes and I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am to be your mom.  You, Ace, have more power and riches in your ability to make people happy than all the CEOs and millionaires in this world. It takes an uncommon person to inspire nine years after death.

What an extraordinary birthright!

Despite the on going anguish of missing you each and every day, I try to find the joy in the little things, something that you taught all of us, because, after all, "there is nothing to be unhappy about"!

 

I love you, Android. Today is a veritable day because it is the day you were born!

xoxo

Ace's Mom

Andy  "Ace" Nowacki~ March 29, 1980 - February 26, 2005
Remember: it is the dash that tells the story....

The Closet

Why did "the closet" scare me so much? No, I did not think that there was a monster in the closet, ready to jump out at me, which might have been the case when I was 5. No, there was nothing particularly horrible in the closet either. What the closet did contain was Ace's "stuff', stuff that would have memories and images of Ace, in spades! Just the simple act of opening those bi-fold doors was difficult, a lifetime of emotions kept tumbling out. Why yesterday was the day, I really do not know. It just was after nine years of evasion, procrastination, reluctance, cowardice.... whatever you choose to call it.
Nate and I took bags and boxes and began pulling out bits of Andy, bits that have been in hiding for nine years. We carefully took out each item and decided which pile it would go in; his, Pete's, mine or the donation bag. On the shelf, the first thing Nate grabbed were boxes of ammunition. No gun, just ammo. The handcuffs were next. I looked over a few minutes later and there was Nate, one wrist encircled with a locked handcuff and frantically searching for the key! (Have I ever mentioned that Ace, Nate and Pete are a LOT alike?) Well, no key was obvious on the top shelf so we forged on pulling things out,  Nate wearing a handcuff and me still wearing the face of reluctance.
We found evidence of the time he spent in North Carolina in the form of tacky Myrtle Beach t-shirts; many turtleneck sweaters (Ace went through phases and he went from nothing could touch his neck to turtlenecks!); his vintage 1980's print pants; the shoes that went with the pants; various jeans; a new soccer shirt with the tag still dangling; a backpack; a pair of size 12 shoes (Andy wore a size 10); an assortment of Marine clothing including the "Who's your Baghdaddy?" Operation Iraqi Freedom t-shirt with the sleeves cut out; a very odd blanket with exotic blossoms on it and a police Zippo lighter. Of course there were letters that school kids had sent along with letters sent by me and some paperwork from the Corps that his Dad now has safely filed. My undoing though, despite seeing Ace in each piece of clothing as we folded it, was the infamous blue bathrobe. I know it is hard to believe, but it still SMELLED like Andy after all this time! This is the same bathrobe that he wore in Iraq; he wore it to take a shower with his flak jacket underneath it, according to his buddies. He donned it just sitting around, as evidenced by the photos that we have. He really liked his bathrobe!
Well, the closet is done. We will someday pull the boxes out of the attic that the Marine Corps packed and sent from Iraq, but that is something we will tackle at a different time. Those boxes are still scary to me, but will not hold the same memories as I did not share those times with him. I only know of those years through my treasured letters, saved emails, conversations, pictures and stories related by his Marine brothers.
I understand why I had to wait nine years now. Any sooner and the feelings that were unleashed would have undone me. Today the ache in my heart is manageable. In years past, the closet would have made that pain unbearable. Today, I am relieved and happy that Nate and I were able to share so many Ace memories together. We laughed a lot and cried just a little bit and now feel a sense of accomplishment.
When I need to feel a hug from Andy, I will now put on the blue bathrobe. By the way, Nate finally was freed of the handcuff by his Dad, who had the key.

"There is nothing to be unhappy about." ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Semper Fi,
Ace's Mom

Ace's Mom: New Year

Ace's Mom: New Year: 2014....a new year, a fresh beginning, a multitude of resolutions that can be achieved and another year without Andy. How do you express gr...

New Year

2014....a new year, a fresh beginning, a multitude of resolutions that can be achieved and another year without Andy. How do you express gratitude for being blessed with the gift of time and still quiet the melancholy that comes with knowing this day, the next day and the day after that you will go on without hugging and laughing with your youngest son? Some would think that after almost nine years without Ace that the sadness that can overtake you in an instant would be less intense, but that is not so for me. Losing someone so dear to your heart really leaves a gash, a gouge that can almost close at times and then gape open again with just the most incidental memory, word, picture or song.

Why has this new year hit so hard? I am not sure but it is what it is. I can accept that this is how I feel, not try to hide the emotion or be embarrassed that the grief is still bubbling to the surface. I will laugh and cry as I think of past holidays with Andy, how he loved to give the most ridiculous of gifts, so ridiculous that we still laugh about them. I thank his friends for continuing to share stories with me about Andy like how DID he find a statue of a black Jesus in Iraq?!? Thank you for that one, Joel ;-)'

I write this as I know that I am not alone in how I am feeling this holiday season and want others to know that it is okay to feel sad. Don't let anyone tell you that you are not allowed to grieve, no matter how many years have passed. You don't need anyone's permission, just don't let the sadness take over! Temper the grief with memories of happiness. I will be thinking of Ace and his quirky ability to find just the right ridiculous gift at just the right time and see that spirit living on through his brothers and his friends.

A happy, healthy and peaceful 2014 to all of you.

Love,
Ace's Mom    "There is nothing to be unhappy about." ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki