Ace-less Christmas

Whoever said, " Time heals all wounds" was not correct.Time may well fix a cut or a bruise, but not emotional injuries, not the battering of a heart. The emotional bleeding will stop eventually and the hole will scab over as  protection to our sanity, allowing us to live life, but the pain never really subsides. The Christmas Holidays are a time of the year when the pain bubbles through and this year is no exception.

Every ornament hung on our tree has a provenance and all involve memories of years when Ace, Nate and Pete were kids, excited to make decorations or help pick out something new. I tried putting all new ornaments on a tree the first Christmas  without Ace but in many ways, that tree was more difficult to look at than if I had decorated with the traditional, cherished ornaments. That tree was much like staring at The Grinch; it had no heart, no warmth. Since that first year, the boxes come out of the attic and as each treasure is hung on a branch, I allow the smiles and the tears to surface along with the memories. The only item that remains in the box is Andy's Christmas stocking.  Even looking at the stocking  is really  a direct hit to my emotional core so it simply stays in the box.

There are times that the parties and gatherings serve to accentuate the loss of Ace and I have to just take time to remember alone and allow the memories to take me where they may. We all need to give ourselves permission to feel sadness if we need to. Stifling and hiding the hurt only serve to make the stress and pain of it all worse.

Ace's favorite time of the year was Christmas. He and his brothers never cared much about the gifts that they received, but they sure did get excited over what presents they were giving! They embraced the spirit of Christmas without getting bogged down in the materialistic aspects that we are bombarded with.

One year when Ace was about 4 years old, he decided that he wanted to give one of his toys to a child that was in need. Ace did not pick a discarded toy but took his treasured Happy Birthday Care Bear to put in the donation box. That gesture pretty much says everything about Ace's spirit, not only at Christmas but all year round. This joyful spirit is what I try to embrace every year and not let sadness overtake me. Ace would not approve if the holidays meant  tears and not smiles!

Seize the joy of the season, the generosity of spirit! Temper the sadness with the warmth of family and friends and the beauty of what Christmas really means. Try to be like Ace.

Ace's Mom
 "There is nothing to be unhappy about."~ Andy Ace Nowacki

"Dude, Here's Your Tiki Cup!"

I needed a new laptop. Simple, right? NO!Not simple at all for a non-techie like me. Well, I lost my Blog and finally, with a little help, found it again. 
On to my Andy story.
This past week we met with a videographer who is going to help us with a video.She asked if there were things about Andy that people, in general, did not know about. 
This is an Ace episode that only some would have knowledge of but it makes me laugh every time and I thank the Marine who relayed the story. 
We had made the trip to the reserve center in Chicago for the dedication of a memorial shortly after Andy was KIA. We had the opportunity to meet Marines from that area for the first time. A young Marine approached us to tell us how much Andy meant to him and related how he met and came to know Ace. I apologize for not remembering his name but I can still see his face along with the tears sliding down his face to his smile as he talked. 
For those who don't know, Camp Pendleton in California, is a base that trains combat readiness. This Chicago Marine who approached us was at Camp Pendleton with Ace prior to deployment to Iraq. One of his duties was to ensure that rooms were inspection ready. He knocked on a door and was told to "Come in". He opened the door and stared in wonder! In the room was a Marine with a room like no other: Ace had managed to make his room into a California beach! He had "sand" (a beige shag rug), an inflatable palm tree, a poster of a model in a bikini. He was wearing sunglasses, shorts and flip flops and sitting in a beach chair, holding a Tiki cup! Ace proceeded to say to this Marine as he stood there, speechless, "Dude, here is your Tiki cup. Bring it with you whenever you enter my room". The astonished Marine just said, "You are in so much trouble!" as he backed out of the room with his Tiki cup in hand.
This Marine, as he completed his story, laughing and crying, said, "And you know what Maam? Andy never got in trouble for his room. Everyone loved going to his room because he made them laugh."
I hold this story close to my heart as it really epitomizes what Ace did his entire life, make people happy. Ace still can make me smile and laugh out loud! What a tremendous gift!

Ace's Mom
 "There is nothing to be unhappy about"~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki 

Is It a Dream or a Sign?

Ten years have passed since Andy last talked to me. Ten years is a long time but it really seems like yesterday. Ace has let me know on a regular basis that he is still watching over us. Some of you that read this may believe and some may not, but I am going to tell you what happened in our house the first week of March.

Denis and I had finished dinner, and we had put a few dishes and the silverware in the sink, intending to wash up after we watched the news. I will tell you that we have a modest, cozy house so it is not far from the living room to the kitchen. As we were watching TV, we both hear a sound coming from the kitchen, metal on metal. It is something rattling  silverware against silverware or against the stainless steel sink. I put the TV on mute. We both hear the noise. It stops. We both shrug and continue to watch TV. Again, we hear metal rattling in the kitchen! We mute the TV again and we both listen. We hear the clanking again! Denis gets up and walks into the kitchen and again all goes quiet. He is puzzled but comes back in to finish watching the news. Again, we both hear the same sound. TV goes on mute and we both go to the kitchen. 

At this point, we decide to eliminate the dishes in the sink and clean up. I also look in all the drawers that might have metal to see if there is anything that might have been the source. Nothing!

 At this point, it is quiet. We finish watching the news and don't think a whole lot of it. This all occurred on a Thursday evening.

Have you ever had the dream where things look like real places and the people seem real? Well, the following Sunday after the silverware clanking phenomena, I had such a dream. I was in our dining room where we raised the boys. Andy, as a two and a half to three year old, comes barreling towards me! I lean down and he hugs my neck and wraps his skinny little legs around my waist! He is hanging on like a monkey! We are hugging and laughing so hard that I lose my balance...I lower myself to the floor with Andy still clinging. I cannot begin to tell you the pure joy that I was feeling laying on the floor, laughing with Andy, feeling his breath on my neck.  As  it usually does, the real world interfered and the alarm clock woke me  up, bursting the dream bubble. I managed to hold  on to that wonderful feeling despite the abrupt wake up call, but I really was a bit off my game the entire day.

That evening, as Denis and I were taking our usual two mile walk, I was telling him that I was a bit discombobulated at work all day Monday because I was awakened so abruptly from my Andy dream. Denis said to me, "Do  you remember the other night when the silverware was rattling? Do you know what day that was? It was the day ten years ago that Andy came home to us. That was Ace in the kitchen." 

Between the noise episode and the dream with Andy hugging me, I know that he is here with us, encouraging us all to continue going forward and that he is  with us every step of the way, even after ten years have gone by.

Thank you, my Andy. Love you to the moon and back.

Ace's Mom  ~ "There is nothing to be unhappy about." Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Ace's Mom: Twice Blessed by Andy

Ace's Mom: Twice Blessed by Andy: Ten years. A decade. One tenth of a century. A long time by most standards.  People will ask if you know where you were on 9/11 or when JFK...

Twice Blessed by Andy

Ten years. A decade. One tenth of a century. A long time by most standards.  People will ask if you know where you were on 9/11 or when JFK was assassinated and most people can respond.The tenth anniversary of Andy's death is February 26th.  I can remember that day in vivid detail...what I was doing, where Denis was in the house, what the time was, how cold it was when the knock at the door came. Whether we want to or not, we relive that precise moment in technicolor, frequently, but especially on February 26th.

Two months later, Shannon O'Brien interviewed us about Ace and our life with him and his brothers. I did not remember saying that we were "twice blessed by Andy. We were blessed the day he was born and the day that he died" and despite the depth of pain that we continue to feel, we are so fortunate  that we have the friendship and love of so many people that we have met through Ace!

I can see Ace's love shine through when his friends reach out to just say hello, or tell us a funny story about Andy. I can see Ace's compassion when his brothers reach out to people less fortunate than they. I see Ace in his fellow police officers as they go about the business of reaching out to the community with empathy.

When I wake up tomorrow, I will pretend for just a little while that Andy will call or drop by as this is what helps get me through the patches that are too painful. I know that he will not appear magically, but it can help ease the pain to just pretend for just a little while. I will  look at pictures, talk to his brothers and his friends and we will tell silly stories and mimic Andy's version of the "blue steel" look. Tomorrow is a day that we would rather skip, but since that is not an option, we will find as much joy and love as we possibly can as that is the best way to remember Ace. Semper Fi, Marines.

Love,
Ace's Mom
"There is nothing to be unhappy about"~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Ripping Off the Scab

Here it is, 2015, ten years since Ace was killed by a roadside bomb. In some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago, but most times it feels like yesterday.
As we get ready for the 10th Heroes for Andy gala, I have been going through pictures, video and memories. Along with doing that, we had our annual reunion to remember Andy with those Marines from his unit that live close enough to gather and remember.The chain that binds these warriors is a special one, with the links being war, protection, love of one another and Ace.
 Some ask why we would rip the scab off of our emotions after ten years. A scab indicates healing. You never recover from a loss of someone you love so dearly so there really is no "scab". The hole in our lives that occurred with the loss of Andy never healed over as the void remains. Life becomes different. We learn how to function with a hole in our hearts.
That initial anguish had to change or we could not live our lives. Grief for us transformed to remembrance, a way to share Ace with others and to keep that loving spirit with us. Every time we look back, we can share a part of Andy with others that did not know him. Is it always fun to reminisce? Absolutely not but in this case, there are always more smiles than there are tears.
We need to have the pain so that we can really appreciate and recognize happiness.

Yesterday, we did more laughing than crying. How can you not laugh when you talk about Ace and his antics like making a human battering ram or making a game out of changing chem lights in a port a potty?

I struggled with words today as it can be so difficult to explain feelings, especially feelings about the life and death of my son. My motivation was to hopefully help anyone who might happen on this blog that is struggling with pain of loss.  There is no timeline for grief but eventually that grief needs to be sustainable in order to live.
 "Grief is in two parts. The first in loss.The second is the remaking of life." ~ Anne Rolphe

Ace's Mom ~ "There is nothing to be unhappy about." ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki