The Closet

Why did "the closet" scare me so much? No, I did not think that there was a monster in the closet, ready to jump out at me, which might have been the case when I was 5. No, there was nothing particularly horrible in the closet either. What the closet did contain was Ace's "stuff', stuff that would have memories and images of Ace, in spades! Just the simple act of opening those bi-fold doors was difficult, a lifetime of emotions kept tumbling out. Why yesterday was the day, I really do not know. It just was after nine years of evasion, procrastination, reluctance, cowardice.... whatever you choose to call it.
Nate and I took bags and boxes and began pulling out bits of Andy, bits that have been in hiding for nine years. We carefully took out each item and decided which pile it would go in; his, Pete's, mine or the donation bag. On the shelf, the first thing Nate grabbed were boxes of ammunition. No gun, just ammo. The handcuffs were next. I looked over a few minutes later and there was Nate, one wrist encircled with a locked handcuff and frantically searching for the key! (Have I ever mentioned that Ace, Nate and Pete are a LOT alike?) Well, no key was obvious on the top shelf so we forged on pulling things out,  Nate wearing a handcuff and me still wearing the face of reluctance.
We found evidence of the time he spent in North Carolina in the form of tacky Myrtle Beach t-shirts; many turtleneck sweaters (Ace went through phases and he went from nothing could touch his neck to turtlenecks!); his vintage 1980's print pants; the shoes that went with the pants; various jeans; a new soccer shirt with the tag still dangling; a backpack; a pair of size 12 shoes (Andy wore a size 10); an assortment of Marine clothing including the "Who's your Baghdaddy?" Operation Iraqi Freedom t-shirt with the sleeves cut out; a very odd blanket with exotic blossoms on it and a police Zippo lighter. Of course there were letters that school kids had sent along with letters sent by me and some paperwork from the Corps that his Dad now has safely filed. My undoing though, despite seeing Ace in each piece of clothing as we folded it, was the infamous blue bathrobe. I know it is hard to believe, but it still SMELLED like Andy after all this time! This is the same bathrobe that he wore in Iraq; he wore it to take a shower with his flak jacket underneath it, according to his buddies. He donned it just sitting around, as evidenced by the photos that we have. He really liked his bathrobe!
Well, the closet is done. We will someday pull the boxes out of the attic that the Marine Corps packed and sent from Iraq, but that is something we will tackle at a different time. Those boxes are still scary to me, but will not hold the same memories as I did not share those times with him. I only know of those years through my treasured letters, saved emails, conversations, pictures and stories related by his Marine brothers.
I understand why I had to wait nine years now. Any sooner and the feelings that were unleashed would have undone me. Today the ache in my heart is manageable. In years past, the closet would have made that pain unbearable. Today, I am relieved and happy that Nate and I were able to share so many Ace memories together. We laughed a lot and cried just a little bit and now feel a sense of accomplishment.
When I need to feel a hug from Andy, I will now put on the blue bathrobe. By the way, Nate finally was freed of the handcuff by his Dad, who had the key.

"There is nothing to be unhappy about." ~ Andy "Ace" Nowacki

Semper Fi,
Ace's Mom