So there you are, minding your own business when all of a sudden you find yourself crying, not just crying but sobbing.....anyone who has lost someone has probably had this happen. A song, a place, a movie, an ornament for the tree, any one of which can set your emotions to churning unexpectedly.
There are still things that even after eight and a half years will do that to me. I still cannot bear to take out the Christmas stockings that Aunt Diane made for all three boys with their names across the top. For whatever reason, I can hang the Rudolph the red nosed reindeer clothespin ornament that Andy made, but the stocking becomes my undoing.
Saturday, as I was finishing my 10,000 meter piece on the rowing machine, a song came on the TV that smacked me right in the face! It so reminded me of Andy that I had to stop rowing, just sit there and let the wave of grief wash over me. Why that song at that particular moment? Who knows? You just have to acknowledge the moment and the sadness and continue on your way. No matter how much time has passed, one year or twenty, these stabs of grief can occur.
Anyone who knew Andy knew that Christmas was his favorite time of the year. He did not really care about getting presents. He really loved surprising people with what he would choose for them. They were never elaborate gifts, but presents that would make you laugh and feel loved. There was always a lot of thought behind what he did and watching him as his family opened his presents was like having the Spirit of Christmas come to life. His gift to Grandma, a stuffed Santa that sings "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer", still comes out every Christmas and sings to her. We are all able to laugh together and remember our Ace. We really feel Andy's spirit in the room with us.
As we get closer to Christmas, many people will struggle. The ability to handle the loss of someone you love, manageable most of the year, can become unmanageable during holidays. Just know that you are not alone, that there are many out there like us, people that want to pull the covers over their heads and not surface until January 2nd. It really is okay to cry, to remember and take time for yourself no matter how much time has passed. Don't let anyone tell you to "move on" or that you are not allowed to be sad when you need to be. Grief needs to be acknowledged for what it is. If you stifle the sadness too often, that melancholy can become overwhelming and take over your life.
Remember the happy times and cry if you need to. It really is okay and it is normal. The result is you really can feel happy and still remember.
Ace's Mom
"There is nothing to be unhappy about"~ Ace Nowacki
